Inspired by a recent comedy clip by Michael McIntyre. Particularly the line, “Things you don’t even consider to be things become nearly impossible after you have children.”
If Monday is indicative of how the rest of the week will go then I think I might need to use some of my non-existent vacation time.
Before having children things were as simple as they seemed. Now….. Bah! Yesterday’s family trip to the fabric store yielded a toddler protesting so loudly about being strapped into the stroller that I just grabbed a zipper and ran. If I’d had a minute I might have noticed that zippers come in two varieties- open bottom and closed bottom. While it is possible to convert an open bottom to a closed, the reverse seems to still be eluding the innovative minds of the day. This became evident after I’d sewn the non-separating zipper into my daughter’s super hero cape only to find that I couldn’t open it. Who ever heard of a super hero who couldn’t open their cape? Ridiculous.
Braving the fabric store a second day in a row and as a solo parent this time, I managed to pick up a zipper that will hopefully do the trick. In the time it took me to get both kids into the double stroller, into the store, through the line, and back into the car, I had to perform most of my party/mom tricks including initiating I Spy, singing “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” in public, etc. and all while avoiding aisles in which either child could reach out and grab things like presser feet, and so on. In addition, an elderly lady in a walker seemed to cut us off at every turn, smiling at me as if to say, “Oh how funny we’ve ended up at an impasse again!” I like to think that my return smile did not say, “Move it or I will cut you.”
When we got home I plopped both kids in the stroller again to walk two houses over to our tiny post office. The one that I can almost always count on being closed whenever I need to use it. Such as any day after 4PM or before 10AM and Saturdays before 10:30. With a big box under one arm, steering the double stroller down the side of the 50 mph road with the other it belatedly dawned on me that today is Veteran’s Day. Crud. Upon leaving the closed and empty post office I suddenly noticed blood all over my toddler’s face. “My lip got bumped,” she told me. Upon examination I found a large chunk of her lip missing. Sometimes I get a bit angry about so many sidewalks around here being made out of uneven brick. Yes, it’s a historic place. Yet consider that we are living in the age of strollers and wheelchairs and bikes and skateboards (and walkers!). Gah!
The absurdity of the day continued. We returned home. While bringing my baby inside the house, my toddler (who refuses to consider the potty as an option) ran into the screen house and pooped. For the third time today. And it wasn’t even lunchtime yet. When I tried to bring her inside it turned into a wild chase wherein I tried to catch her and pick her up in a way that did not put her posterior anywhere near my face. Impossible. She went noodley-legs on me and I had to throw her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. It was not a good smell my friends. By the time she was changed and settled with some crayons my baby was screaming his head off for his beloved squash puree.
Daring to hope that we could leave the lunchtime chaos behind us, I wiped my daughter down and watched her run across the living room. Toward our one nice chair. With macaroni and cheese stuck to her butt. “Wait! Stop!” She actually stopped. Just in time for our dog (who is using only three legs at the moment due to a suspected torn ACL) to gimp over and eat said macaroni. Well, at least that worked out.
And to think there was ever a time when I just got in my car ALONE, drove somewhere, and accomplished something easily and in a timely fashion. It sounds like a dream. There was also a time when I could correctly identify the current day of the week and my present age. If I still have these skills they are quickly leaving me. Well that’s alright- less to remember:)