Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

-Once I found fingernail clippings, tomato skins, and brownie crumbs in my nursing bra tank top.  On the same day.

-If both kids are ever asleep at the same time I don’t dare walk through their rooms to get to the bathroom.  Instead, I pee outside even if it is pouring rain.

-This summer we went on vacation.  The baby spit up like crazy for most of the trip.  Despite this, we bathed him only twice in 3 weeks.

-I have worn the same 2 pairs of pants for the last 6 months.

-The only world news I hear comes from my husband and Facebook.  While I realize how sad, not to mention unfeminist this is, I also realize that every single time I try to stream NPR my daughter begs for the Name Game song or the Monster Mash song or the Ding-a-ling song and I decide the news can wait.

-While recently changing my baby at the doctor’s office I noticed that my travel wipes container had poop smeared all over it.  The nurse noticed too.

-Last week I heard myself tell my daughter, “Keep an eye on your brother for a minute”.  Bah!  She’s barely two!  And super bossy.  And should in no way be responsible for her little brother.  What was I thinking?

-We got our daughter her own library card when she was 2 months old.  With our second kid we barely remember to read to him at all.  Sounds awful, I know.  Then again, there are only so many hours in the day and so many of them seem to be filled with wiping butts…..

-One of my daughter’s favorite books (which happened to come in a Cheerios box) was recently taken out of rotation so that it could go to surgery.  After assessing the number of rips and tears and staples that were falling out, I opted to recycle it instead.   She has been asking me where it is for at least a week.  “On vacation,” I tell her.  Shame, shame.

-Every time I think to check my shirt for large gross spots when in public, I find a large one on my right shoulder where the baby’s mouth likes to rest.  They usually have a white hue, sometimes orange now that we’ve started on sweet potatoes, squash, and carrots.  I notice others trying not to look at it.  That’s nice of them, I guess.

-When I succeed in removing boogers from the baby’s nose I sometimes wipe them on my husband’s pillow.  Passive aggressive?  No, just convenient.  Well, most likely he has been wiping his own boogers on my pillow for a long time now.  Ahhh, share and share alike.

What’s your confession?



A Day in the Life or a Life in the Day?

I stuck my head out of the fog today and noticed that it is Monday.  Again.  How does this keep happening?  Parenthood has brought with it the reality of having incredibly long days but weeks that are gone in a blink.  At the end of the day in the one blissful hour I sometimes Summer 2013 006have to myself (during which I must also take a shower, sweep the kitchen, clean up dinner, and brush my teeth) I sometimes find myself thinking, “Dear God.  How on earth did I make it through today?”  Today was no different.

7AM wake-up for everyone.  It goes like this: Toddler wakes up.  Begins singing.  Baby hears it over the monitor in our room and wakes up.  He begins squirming next to me.  I wake up and attempt to breathe in and out a few times before my 14 hour shift of being Mom begins (this rarely happens).  Husband wakes up , reads a book to the toddler at her request, changes a diaper or two and gets ready for work.  Nursing!

7:30- As I am just settling the toddler down with her oatmeal and fruit I am interrupted by a screaming baby.  Checking on him confirms the worst.  An up-the-back waist to neck poo-plosion has occurred.  The only option is an immediate and merciless bath.

8AM- I finally make it back to the toddler who has wiped now-drying oatmeal all over herself, her hair, and the table all in the name of experimentation.  “Look Mom!  I’m rubbing it in!”

9:30AM- The appointed park playdate time finds us still at home cleaning up another stinky tush and starting the first laundry load of the day.  Nursing!Summer 2013 004

10:15- Finds us at the playground (finally) but no one else we know seems to be there.  Instead a big kid of 7 or so attaches herself to my toddler and follows her around the park in a somewhat creepy way.  The grandparents accompanying her seem to think this is normal.  I try to go with it.  UNTIL she starts sticking her head into the stroller to investigate the baby.  I begin to sense Grizzly Mom kicking in and I remove us from the situation before my alternative personality can take hold.

More diapers!  Snacktime!  Nursing!

12:30- Toddler nap.

12:45- Baby teething episode.  Earplugs are located and used.  Nursing!

1:50- Monthly pest control worker shows up an hour and forty minutes early thus causing the dog to growl and bark during NAPTIME.

More diapers!  Nursing!Summer 2013 002

3- All of us escape the house to the relative peace of a nearby college campus where I proceed to lead the way toward a lovely fountain with my daughter’s lunch/snack picnic in hand.  As she dunks her hands in the water I notice a large waterlogged blue-tailed skink floating by.  It is followed by a second waterlogged creature which upon closer inspection turns out to be a mouse.  Toddler is banished to a bench and the promised fountain dip is put off until another day.  A brief attempt at explaining the difference between dead and alive is made.

More diapers!  Nursing!

5:30- Husband comes home and a semblance of a dinner plan comes together.  In this case it turns out to be fried potatoes with mushrooms, onion, and hamburger served with a green salad and steamed beets.  The baby’s imminent screaming warranted a choice- soothe him or add more water to the beets?  If you’ve ever tried to ignore a screaming baby then the choice is clear.  The pot will never be the same again.  Scorched beyond recognition.  I think our house will smell this bad forever.Summer 2013 009

Nursing!  Diapers!

8- Toddler and baby are asleep.  The temperature in the house reaches 83 degrees thanks in part to the beets which steamed for so long. Husband tells me, “You’re better at scorching things than anyone I know.”  He is right.  I developed that skill after we reproduced.  We proceed to do the dishes, sweep the floor, fold the laundry, and exchange a brief, “How was your day?”  Neither party is able to absorb  anything the other says due to exhaustion.  And also the fact that the air is acrid from the beet disaster and we have to spend most of our energy  blinking and coughing.

8:30- Baby wakes up.  More nursing.

9- Shower.  Ahhhh.

10- Eating peanut butter out of the jar.

Somehow I’ll get up in the morning and live another life between the hours of 7 and 10.  I’ll do it the next day and the next for years to come.  Then next week or the week after the skies will clear and I’ll say, “Really?  It’s Monday again.  Huh.”